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Something to Remind Myself.

I suppose I finally got my answer to my previous journal entry.

It was when I realized my husband was playing with my mind/sanity, that my marriage is over. I am certain that he was saying X in the past, yet he (until this very entry, or the last time I saw him this afternoon before I boarded the plane to other town) denied it. Finally denied it, after more than three years of passive-agressive about me demanding that he did say/promised X.

We got a heated argument that left me crying for hours. Questioning my sanity. My life choices. My son. I even thought, well perhaps I should compromise again, even when it was hard. But then on my son’s birthday another argument broke, and I finally got my answer.

He made me feel I am a bad mother. I did not say a word.

He told me I am an ungrateful bitch. I did not say a word.

He told me he does not love me anymore. I did not say a word.

He told me that I must have hated his mother. This time, I spoke up to told him that in fact, I did not hate my mother in law. To which, he did not believe.

And as I lay on the floor, shocked, defenseless, he kicked me.

I will never forget that.

I never thought you could cry until your head hurts, that you’d need to take paracetamol. I never thought my husband would hit and kicked me. I never thought he’d make me feel like the worst mother ever. I never thought he could sleep peacefully knowing that I was hurting.

But again, I never thought a lot before, it seemed… and I never thought I am going to be a single mother, just before my 32th birthday.

My whole body hurts and I cannot move or lay comfortably. The only visible telltale of it are the bruises on my knees as I was cast down by him.

What I need was him to be responsible for his words, but instead he made me questioning my sanity. I wanted him to put me as priority, but there were a lot of excuses for him not to do so.

But again, while writing this, the voice in my head is telling me that “Bitch, you are playing victim here,”

Am I?

Even I am questioning my sanity.