I suppose I finally got my answer to my previous journal entry.
It was when I realized my husband was playing with my mind/sanity, that my marriage is over. I am certain that he was saying X in the past, yet he (until this very entry, or the last time I saw him this afternoon before I boarded the plane to other town) denied it. Finally denied it, after more than three years of passive-agressive about me demanding that he did say/promised X.
We got a heated argument that left me crying for hours. Questioning my sanity. My life choices. My son. I even thought, well perhaps I should compromise again, even when it was hard. But then on my son’s birthday another argument broke, and I finally got my answer.
He made me feel I am a bad mother. I did not say a word.
He told me I am an ungrateful bitch. I did not say a word.
He told me he does not love me anymore. I did not say a word.
He told me that I must have hated his mother. This time, I spoke up to told him that in fact, I did not hate my mother in law. To which, he did not believe.
And as I lay on the floor, shocked, defenseless, he kicked me.
I will never forget that.
I never thought you could cry until your head hurts, that you’d need to take paracetamol. I never thought my husband would hit and kicked me. I never thought he’d make me feel like the worst mother ever. I never thought he could sleep peacefully knowing that I was hurting.
But again, I never thought a lot before, it seemed… and I never thought I am going to be a single mother, just before my 32th birthday.
My whole body hurts and I cannot move or lay comfortably. The only visible telltale of it are the bruises on my knees as I was cast down by him.
What I need was him to be responsible for his words, but instead he made me questioning my sanity. I wanted him to put me as priority, but there were a lot of excuses for him not to do so.
But again, while writing this, the voice in my head is telling me that “Bitch, you are playing victim here,”
Even I am questioning my sanity.
When did the first time you feel your relationship, friendship or marriage, is crumbling?
When did you realize it is time to walk away?
Was it when you accept defeat, that you chose the wrong path, that you did not fight for yourself years ago? That you succumb to other’s words… but words are wind.
They did not listen and in my silence I was stoned.
When did it go wrong, I asked myself.
It was when I did not fight for myself…. And when I finally did, they say I was wrong.
Is my happiness wrong?
A friend asked, what makes you happy? And yet, I could not answer.
I read many scripts, journals, and talked to therapists. And yet, I trembled with doubt and fear.
Words are wind.
He said I was wrong. She said I was wrong. I am the blacksheep of the family; a failure to my parents, the ungrateful wife to my husband, a weird freak looney to my closest friends. If my son could talk, what will he think of me?
“Words are wind, even words like love and peace. I put more trust in deeds.” -George R.R. Martin.