I don’t think I’ve been this low, or this afraid in my life. And I have to bear it, alone. Don’t show it, don’t let people now. Trust no one with your health-issues. Afraid. Very afraid. If I tell, people will judged, and I will be invalidated all over again.
I am afraid for my sanity, for my well-being; and with it on the stakes are my son, and my personal relationships. I think I am fading away.
RD dan saya tidak compatible; dalam artian, he thinks I am okay now, or at least feeling better. But I am not. I feel it inside me, I am not okay.
Dan saya merasa ditinggalkan. Abandoned, like people from my past did.
Saya merasa bodoh sekali dan seharusnya mungkin saya sudah merasakannya sejak lama. Entahlah. Saya merasa beberapa hari ini saya semakin sakit, namun saya tidak bisa kembali. Intrusive thoughts dan anxiety saya, dicampur dengan abandonment issues berkata, “Hey, bodoh! Dia tidak dapat menolongmu! Dia menyuruhmu pergi! HORSEHIT!”
My head is my enemy.
Sejauh ini saya sudah menemui tiga psikolog; RW (didn’t think I have any issues at all), AD (just met for a second opinion once, when I got panic attack. Decent and okay, but not so available to my needs/liking), and RD (thinks I am better and sent me away). Saya akan menemui psikolog ke-empat minggu depan, setelah menunggu dua minggu. Saya punya doubt tersendiri dengan calon psikolog ini, karena ternyata ia punya beberapa mutual friends dengan saya.
I wanted to scream, please fucking help me, but I can’t. Fucking can’t.
I am toxic, she said. I am hateful. I am a freak, I am sad and I am full of anger. My fucking life is a fucking joke. I feel so evil, I am broken. But I will do another leap of faith. When I wanna kill myself, I look upon my son. He needs me now. But I am afraid when he is older, and when my intrusive thoughts saying he does not need me anymore.
My health is declining. The past week, I’ve been hearing my thoughts whispering mean things. I have no one. I am so full of anger, resentment, and fear. Even my therapist forsaken me.